Habits

To all my roommates past and present: I know that I can be terrible. I fold laundry but don't put it away. (That is until I wear everything in the stack and just have to do the laundry again.) I leave dishes in the sink way longer than appropriate. I only getting the urge to really clean when guests are imminent.

Many of the former roomies. They know stuff about me. Good thing we all love each other.  

The new roomies! Aren't they cute??? They are really stuck with me.  

I'm so very sorry.
But this book is opening my eyes! How I wish that I could have read it sooner:

The best part (so far!) is a theory on how people are wired in terms of motivation. Rubin uses two factors: internal motivation (personal goals and expectations that you set for yourself) and external motivation (goals, deadlines, expectations set upon you by others, such as your boss or your mom). Either we conform to these expectations, whether internal or external, or we resist them. The combinations of conforming and rebelling reveal four personality tendencies:

I recognize myself immediately. (Do you recognize yourself???) I am a CLASSIC obliger. To a T.

Rubin writes:

“Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations. They’re motivated by external accountability; they wake up and think, “What must I do today?” Because Obligers excel at meeting external demands and deadlines, and go to great lengths to meet their responsibilities, they make terrific colleagues, family members, and friends...

(Aww, shucks. Thanks, Gretch.)

“Because Obligers resist inner expectations, it’s difficult for them to self-motivate—to work on a PhD thesis, to attend networking events, to get their car serviced. Obligers depend on external accountability, with consequences such as deadlines, late fees, or the fear of letting other people down. One Obliger wrote on my blog, “I don’t feel a sense of accountability to my calendar, just to the people associated with the appointments. If the entry is just ‘go for a jog’ I’m not likely to do it.” Another Obliger summarized: “Promises made to yourself can be broken. It’s the promises made to others that should never be broken.” Obligers need external accountability even for activities that they want to do. An Obliger told me, “I never made time to read, so I joined a book group where you’re really expected to read the book.”

(Excerpt From: Gretchen Rubin. “Better Than Before.” iBooks. https://itun.es/us/iWQ62.l)


AHA! This is the insight that I needed: As an obliger, one way to stick to my personal expectations and goals is to create a structure with external accountability.

I have been doing this naturally for sometime now. For instance I have often asked Matt to get me a prize for sticking to my workout plan. (See here.) Or if I am inspired to do something to care for a friend, such as cook a meal after a baby is born, I take the leap and commit to my friend OUT LOUD way before I take other steps. With my commitment already spoken I am much more likely to follow through with my good intentions. (Or face lots of guilt. Sheesh.)

Hence, I am truly motivated to clean when guests are coming. They unknowingly become my external accountability system. So...standing dinner party at my house, guys? What do you stay???

Rubin has given me language for what I have already done instinctually. And a pretty, little tool for accomplishing my personal goals. Now I need to learn how to really use it to transform bad habits that continue to vex me.

I'm looking at you, laundry.

I would totally put the laundry away if Sarah Richardson designed my laundry room, right? Right??? (Image here) 

Want more about habits? Here's a in-depth review of Better Than Before.